some pain never fades

I should be 23 weeks pregnant right now. At 9 weeks I had a surgical abortion. I am a single mum with 3 children but in a relationship with a man that i love with every breath in my body, there are no words to express how deeply I feel for him. And this causes me the greatest joy and deepest heartache all at the same time.

We have been together for 14 months and i think I fell upon our first real meeting, he is tall, gorgeous, highly intelligent, hard working, responsible, very observant and intuitive and can be incredibly thoughtful. he will go out of his way to help if he knows a way how. And he swept me off my feet. He literally came in like a knight that saved me..from my reality of life, from feeling alone, from feeling like i was sinking. He just seemed so strong and within a week told me he loved me, he could see I already felt the same. and truthfully I had never had feelings so strong for anybody in my life, i still do. and in those first few weeks he asked me if i would ever consider having more children, he teased me by putting my name with his surname on his phone, he whispered i love you in the dark, he talked of us having a life together, he made an effort with my children, I received a bouquet of flowers like i had never seen, he once said in a conversation " i would marry you tomorrow", " I wish i had met you years ago", i got texts expressing love and how he missed me, we went out to dinner all the time, he made an effort to go where i went, even said we were a team now, and we would see each other every day, wake up together most mornings. and i totally got swept away, this is what i fell in love with at first. the more i saw the more i fell, how did I find this incredible man who was so devoted and made me feel like the most special girl in the world?
a couple of months later and it all seemed to calm down for him. The I love yous became less frequent, he didnt stay over as much, the good night txts stopped, i was going to things on my own and i couldnt understand where i had gone wrong. maybe i smothered him yet it was him that had set the status quo for us, maybe it had been infatuation, maybe he didnt love me at all. yet occasionally when something would happen to upset me or an incident there was that guy again saying i had no idea what i meant to him, that would he do all he did if he didnt love me? and by this i mean he was doing jobs all over my house, replaced and bought me things when i needed them at great expense, yet the intimacy and emotion seemed to have vanished.

the more i got to know him the more became apparent. He lived with his mother which at first glance felt like it was a financial arrangement of convenience, not so at all. he has taken it upon himself to take resonsibility for her after a very tough life which he has desperately tried to make better. as time went on with us reality crept upon him to the point where to have another life away from her, to build a life with me, was not an option. I realised that my children and his mother would not be compatable to a life together, nor would she ever move from her home, nor would he ask her too. she genuinely needs him, its not what it appears at all. and he will never let someone else carry his burden, not that he sees it that way. i dont think he has ever really questioned it or considered an alternative, this is his life and thats that. so i live knowing that i will never be able to wake up with him every morning, never wear his ring, never be no1 for him and it burns to the point of real pain and ache within.

It takes courage to let someone see the real you, to trust enough that they will love you unconditionally whatever comes along and whatever side you show of yourself. and it has taken a long battle to get this far that he believes i love him. He would hide his pains and worries, shut me out and it took tears and perseverance for him to open up about aspects of his past, his family, and for me not to go anywhere. but he doubts himself daily, does not believe in himself, can not see any good, and when you feel that way it is hard to beleive another person can feel that way if you yourself think you are not worthy.
and at some point he let it be known that he never intended to have children. from our earlier conversations he had implied that one day we would, that something had changed in him and he finally considered it a possibility. he decided to take this back. he knew that one day i would want another child and with him i had found every quality i could ever want in a partner and fellow parent. he knew how to work as a team, we had similar values, he was great with my kids, he was fun, he could emotionally support in a way no one has ever been able to do, and i knew he would be an incredible father, a child is the one person who will love you unconditionally, and who you can trust to be honest with you, for him to be a father would be such a gift to himself, he has so much to give and he doesnt see it. and more than anything i would love to be able to have a child with him, for us to be together as a family. i can see it all so clearly in my head, how our life could be.

and after 10 months i did indeed become pregnant. not on purpose, but by a wonderous miracle that went against modern science statistics. and i couldnt believe it at first. i kept it to myself for 2 days, i just kept testing, seeing 2 strong pink lines and being overjoyed that by some force i had our child inside me growing, i was so close to getting everything i ever wanted. but at the same time i knew the reality of the situation, there he was with his responsibilities and i had mine. money was tight and there were some days i wished for none. i think i was hoping for him to turn around and say we could do this together. that whatever it was inside of him suppressed would find a way to come out and find he wanted this too. but he couldnt. he bombarded me with reasons we couldnt have this child, saying he never wanted this, he made it sound like a nightmare had come to reality for him. and all the time i started to love my child. i would talk to it and stroke my tummy, with every horrible symptom it made me feel good too, my gut was telling me to keep our baby, that no matter what struggle there would be i would love it and care for it, my tiny miracle. and i could see how incredible he would be, i visioned him holding our baby, telling me thankyou for giving him this gift he didnt know he wanted but loved so much. i thought he was softening at first, he did all the right things, found me food i wanted to eat, looked after me, but all the time there was an agenda that this mustnt happen. and i couldnt take it any more, i decided that i would go it alone if need be, told him he didnt have to live with us, i would have done anything to change his mind.
my family felt the same as him, that it would be a mistake, that i wouldnt cope, that i was a bad mother for considering it, that i had somehow done it on purpose. it was me against the world and i started beliveing that it would be selfish to keep it, i was the only one in the world that loved my baby, but it wasnt enough of a reason. and finally i was given an ultimatum that to be with him i had to abort the baby. he was asking me to love him that much that i would do this, yet he could not show me the same love in return to support me and our child.
so i stepped away from him. it was a step too far to push me. but it was so lonely without him, i missed him so much, my love for him was too strong and i agreed to discuss an abortion. then he was supportive in every way. he came with me, let me cry, held my hand and i went with it.

on a thursday morning i found myself at an abortion clinic. i had hardly slept the night before, i knew i was doing the wrong thing, i was talking to my baby and saying sorry through tears, i was holding my tummy, holding onto my baby, finding a way to say goodbye. the morning of i was trying to find a way to run away, to hide so i didnt have to go, some sort of sign. and we drove there in silence, i was crying, i couldnt look at him. and i sat in the waiting room, feeling hysterical, wanting to bolt for the door, with the man beside me who meant everything to me and terrified i would lose him if i did run. i was curled into the chair, sobbing, and he is stroking my hair, trying to hug me, seeing me in this pain. but not once did he give me a get out clause, not once did he say, dont do it. and the staff saw me in this state and didnt try to question it or ask if i had changed my mind, they all just let it happen. i said goodbye and went upstairs where another girl was sitting and waiting. and somehow i ended up comforting her, saying she would be ok, agreeing to her reasons. the whole time i was eyeing the door to escape, i will never know why i didnt get off my chair and wall through it. I was called and asked to change. i stood there knowing i didnt want to do this, it wasnt too late, i could still save my baby, i could turn and go. but i didnt.
and as i stepped onto the table and laid down, the nurse holding my hand i wanted to scream let me out of here, and then it was too late, i was asleep. i woke up numb to it all, auto pilot, spoke to the staff, followed their directions, came around, no bleeding, pain yes but i knew it would be. and i went back downstairs to meet him.
i remember sitting in the car with him and hearing him say sorry, that i had been pushed into this by everybody, i could see guilt for my pain, genuine concern and love. and i actually tried to make him feel better for it, that it had been my decision, that i hadnt been forced. i couldnt let myself take in an apology, i had to function. for two days he cared for me, for my children, for my house, i felt as close to him then as when we first met, i felt like the most special person in the world to him again, yet it had caused me the darkest deepest pain of my life to acheive it.

i did talk about how i had so badly wanted to run, how he would have reacted if i had changed my mind. and possibly the most painful statement i have ever heard came from his lips "i was waiting for you to change your mind". the fact that i had potentially had a choice all along, that he could have accepted it, that we could have had dealt with it, all the things we could have been if only i had the courage to stand up and walk out that day. but i didnt. i woke for a week praying for a bad dream, willing the power to turn the clock back, not knowing how to deal with the pain of making the biggest mistake of my life, a baby, our baby, the most precious gift that i had killed , that i had loved for every minute she was inside me, that i had named. she was to be called Melody. i just knew it was a girl. Melody for music, music i loved to sing everyday, Melody for my favourite disney princess who had named her daughter Melody, who would have been so beautiful with dark curls and green eyes, with a beautiful laugh that would have made her daddys eyes light up and would have given him the gift of being able to love something more than anything in his life, melody who would have been cherished by her sister and brothers and been adored by everybody she met. she would have had the gift of song and the beauty of an angel.

and i pray everyday for forgiveness from above who gave me the gift i wanted the most in this world and rejected. I pray for the unconditional love of a man with the strength that i show him, i pray that i get another chance to be given an angel one day because i finally know that i would have been strong enough, that things would have found a way and i would have loved her more that earthly possible.

The sprinkling of pixiedust that changed my life

An angry, frustrated twelve year old girl stood at the end of Main St with her family and looked up at Cinderella Castle. In that moment her life would be changed forever. It was December 1990, the week between Xmas and New Years, unlike any other holiday week she had ever known. there was no snow on the ground, she wasn't bundled up in her winter best, in fact she wore her new sun hat and her best imitation of whichever celebrity she was obsessed with that month. She had not learned her own style yet, so keen to be anybody but herself, wanting to forget the reality back at home. She hadn't come to feel the magic, determined even that she would be having a horrible time, surrounded by adults that couldn't possibly understand her and a brother that she had no time for.
And yet, as she stood gazing down the long street that promised so much, she forgot. For here she had found the ultimate escape from reality. It was like being put into a bubble of perfection, it was as if all the things she felt lacking in her own life could be found here. For this was the land where fairytales come true, where kindness and smiles became infectious and the norm, where music of a forgotten time and images she felt so familiar filled the air, where the smell of popcorn and candies intoxicated her head, and where to be anything but a child would be like poisoning the air around. She forgot her bravado, she let her walls slip, and for that precious time she could recapture a childhood that she had not realised she had forced away so harshly and so abruptly in the summer of her 9th birthday.
And with each inviting step she took down that street the bricks that she had fought so hard to build came tumbling down one by one, and the steps became a run. A run from the front and cold she showed to the world, to the acceptance of love of those with her and an embracing of the happiness all around her. Her grandparents, at that moment in time, could not possibly have realised how this trip and this moment would come to change and re-shape the twelve year old in front of them. It was almost as if the girl regressed to see her new surroundings through the eyes of a wonderous five year old, taking in the facades and settings as real, that the magic was there for her alone. And characters she had long forgotten about came to life, rides were a chance for her to escape and become part of the story, treats tasted as if Tink herself had sprinkled them with pixiedust for how else could they taste that good? She was welcomed as if she was family, she was one of them, they knew she understood this magical place as they did.

And with each new experience her eyes grew wider, she didnt walk around a lagoon, she walked around the world, travelling to new countries, tastes, sights. She travelled into her favourite movies, she went to the moon, she flew into space with captain EO, she shrunk to the size of an ant, she became friends with mice, dogs, ducks and chipmunks and never questioned that this was unusual. And of course in the case of this twelve year old slash five year old she did not have the patience to let the adults decide which experience would be next so comandeered the park maps and led them on her magical journey. not that these were parks of course, they were her playgrounds of magic and fantasy.


18 years later and the woman she has become has never forgotten. For she finds a way often to revisit her magical wonderland. She may know deep down that what she sees is an illusion, she may think more carefully about which path to take, but in her heart, with that first sight of 'her' Cinderella Castle, the outside world becomes the fantasy and the bubble becomes the reality, for it is all waiting just for her, she does not question the how and why, she is the five year old who believes in magic as real, where characters are her friends and everything including her has been sprinkled with pixiedust. And as hard as it may be sometimes, when her days seem a challenge too tough to rise to, she can close her eyes and smell the candy, hear that music, see the lands waiting for her and she knows that she will always have just a little pixiedust wherever she goes.

from destruction may come construction

I want to make it clear that the story told below was just that really, a story. Ok yes that was my life, yes those events did happen, and yes it was a way to purge pains of the past. But it has been over-simplified, condensed. There were many pains, but there was much happiness too. When you read it back as the authoress, you realise how much more there is to say, the detail not shown, the love that was given...yet so often the bad stays with us long after the effect of the good fades away. And the most important point i want to make clear is that all parties involved had a single motivation, me and my brother.

I want to also stipulate that while as an adult i value generosity of heart and mind over any monetary value, I have also had the opportunity to experience a life beyond many's wildest dreams, and this was not done with spite, but with love and to give us opportunites that they themselves never had. There have been times i have resented greatly the bond between me and my grandparents, with this life there came conditions, a code of behaviour, a code of dress, a code of expectations that stay with us today. Sometimes i played along, sometimes i rebelled. Sometimes the overwhelming feeling that love should be unconditional was poignant. with my grandfather for the main, this is true. i am his princess, the most important person in his life above all others and we have a bond that is so precious and rare and undefinable. Many have criticised it, many judge, some do not make the effort to understand. But for those that have witnessed it at close hand, they learn to respect it and maybe realise how special this is, and how it has shaped who i am today.

You can't choose your family

Theres a saying, you can love your family but you dont have to like them, i wonder how many of us have pondered this from time to time. My family has problems. And I know in this day and age you would be inclined to say yeah right, whose doesn't? Mine is a little bit unique. My paternal grandparents are jewish immigrants who left behind all family and friends, who had one child, a son, my father. He died just before my 9th birthday. My mother comes from an irish catholic background and neither side could relate to each other. call it a 1970s Romeo and Juliet if you will, except Romeo and Juliet were grown up enough to say stuff the lot of you. My mother is better at this one to be honest. The romance died quickly when Juliet realised the pressure of being involved with a highly family community based Romeo where family dinners are a pre-requisite and family means extended friends, as long as they are jewish. Otherwise you can play house but you will never be one of them. So you become bored, your life resembles Stepford and your only excitement is the promise of presents, travel, a better life, the 80s dream. Romeo desperately tries to fulfill Juliets fantasies while maintaining the necessity of his culture and family. he works with his father, he runs himself into the ground, he can not provide everything juliet desires nor can he work to the standard required by his father, he is made to feel a dissapointment by all around. His greatest pleasure is his little princess and prince but this is not enough when he is reminded of his failings all around, maybe he is failing his children too? And one fateful summer, the taxman came calling, juliet so bored with her life takes their children away for 6 weeks, and Romeo is left home alone with his world crashing around, about to lose everything, the ultimate dissapointment to all. And he decides that the world will be better without him. The little princess was a week away from her 9th birthday, the prince soon to turn 6.
And instead of thinking of those children, Juliet and the mob (lets call them for now) turn on each other, the events that occured are not their fault but each others. No one held their hands up to feel guilt or remorse, only anger and vengeance. yes vengeance, the ultimate weapon between them, the children. that prince and princess were plied with promises, goodies, twisted words to buy their loyalty, and when that failed, cut off from the mob, temporarily of course because the mob were too clever for that. Not to help the children, but to cause hurt. And as the children grew, they wanted for nothing, given a life and experiences no child can possibly imagine, the little girl actually responded to the name princess.
Juliet to this day remains frustrated with her life, she works hard for what she has, but her desires and needs always were higher priority than her children, they are upside down in fact, and somehwere along the way the children outgrew her, recognised she would never give them a love they associated with a motherand grew to protect themselves from her. because to take in the hurt that she caused would be pointless, Juliet would never recognise her faults, only the life she never got and was robbed of, she couldnt see past herself, apologies would be empty with no realisation of the damage.
The mob, by whatever means they acheived it, became surrogate parents and may in their minds have adopted those children. they had money and means to give the children their every need and most of the time their every whim, beleiveing this was the way to show their love. The prince grew accustomed to this life and to this day lives it by these principles, the more it costs, the more worth it has. 5* lifestyles of the rich and famous. yet he is desperately unhappy, after all no one can be worthy or equal to a prince.
The princess on the other hand chose a different path, she chose affection and kindness over money and power, she valued presents of course, but those that had been thought of with the heart. And what she longed for more than anything was to have her fairytale come true, to have one true love, to live happily ever after, where a mother knew how to love, where children were loved for all their qualities good or bad and not upon condition of conforming, and where she would be loved by a prince with his whole heart, who made her feel like nothing on earth could matter more than her for she had so much love to give, that she had saved all this time, waiting for the one true love who would be worthy of it, who would never break her heart or leave, for he would adore her the way she was and want her to be all she could be. Then and only then would she be free to open her heart, be free of pains past, be safe and secure, be told its ok to be her.