some pain never fades

I should be 23 weeks pregnant right now. At 9 weeks I had a surgical abortion. I am a single mum with 3 children but in a relationship with a man that i love with every breath in my body, there are no words to express how deeply I feel for him. And this causes me the greatest joy and deepest heartache all at the same time.

We have been together for 14 months and i think I fell upon our first real meeting, he is tall, gorgeous, highly intelligent, hard working, responsible, very observant and intuitive and can be incredibly thoughtful. he will go out of his way to help if he knows a way how. And he swept me off my feet. He literally came in like a knight that saved me..from my reality of life, from feeling alone, from feeling like i was sinking. He just seemed so strong and within a week told me he loved me, he could see I already felt the same. and truthfully I had never had feelings so strong for anybody in my life, i still do. and in those first few weeks he asked me if i would ever consider having more children, he teased me by putting my name with his surname on his phone, he whispered i love you in the dark, he talked of us having a life together, he made an effort with my children, I received a bouquet of flowers like i had never seen, he once said in a conversation " i would marry you tomorrow", " I wish i had met you years ago", i got texts expressing love and how he missed me, we went out to dinner all the time, he made an effort to go where i went, even said we were a team now, and we would see each other every day, wake up together most mornings. and i totally got swept away, this is what i fell in love with at first. the more i saw the more i fell, how did I find this incredible man who was so devoted and made me feel like the most special girl in the world?
a couple of months later and it all seemed to calm down for him. The I love yous became less frequent, he didnt stay over as much, the good night txts stopped, i was going to things on my own and i couldnt understand where i had gone wrong. maybe i smothered him yet it was him that had set the status quo for us, maybe it had been infatuation, maybe he didnt love me at all. yet occasionally when something would happen to upset me or an incident there was that guy again saying i had no idea what i meant to him, that would he do all he did if he didnt love me? and by this i mean he was doing jobs all over my house, replaced and bought me things when i needed them at great expense, yet the intimacy and emotion seemed to have vanished.

the more i got to know him the more became apparent. He lived with his mother which at first glance felt like it was a financial arrangement of convenience, not so at all. he has taken it upon himself to take resonsibility for her after a very tough life which he has desperately tried to make better. as time went on with us reality crept upon him to the point where to have another life away from her, to build a life with me, was not an option. I realised that my children and his mother would not be compatable to a life together, nor would she ever move from her home, nor would he ask her too. she genuinely needs him, its not what it appears at all. and he will never let someone else carry his burden, not that he sees it that way. i dont think he has ever really questioned it or considered an alternative, this is his life and thats that. so i live knowing that i will never be able to wake up with him every morning, never wear his ring, never be no1 for him and it burns to the point of real pain and ache within.

It takes courage to let someone see the real you, to trust enough that they will love you unconditionally whatever comes along and whatever side you show of yourself. and it has taken a long battle to get this far that he believes i love him. He would hide his pains and worries, shut me out and it took tears and perseverance for him to open up about aspects of his past, his family, and for me not to go anywhere. but he doubts himself daily, does not believe in himself, can not see any good, and when you feel that way it is hard to beleive another person can feel that way if you yourself think you are not worthy.
and at some point he let it be known that he never intended to have children. from our earlier conversations he had implied that one day we would, that something had changed in him and he finally considered it a possibility. he decided to take this back. he knew that one day i would want another child and with him i had found every quality i could ever want in a partner and fellow parent. he knew how to work as a team, we had similar values, he was great with my kids, he was fun, he could emotionally support in a way no one has ever been able to do, and i knew he would be an incredible father, a child is the one person who will love you unconditionally, and who you can trust to be honest with you, for him to be a father would be such a gift to himself, he has so much to give and he doesnt see it. and more than anything i would love to be able to have a child with him, for us to be together as a family. i can see it all so clearly in my head, how our life could be.

and after 10 months i did indeed become pregnant. not on purpose, but by a wonderous miracle that went against modern science statistics. and i couldnt believe it at first. i kept it to myself for 2 days, i just kept testing, seeing 2 strong pink lines and being overjoyed that by some force i had our child inside me growing, i was so close to getting everything i ever wanted. but at the same time i knew the reality of the situation, there he was with his responsibilities and i had mine. money was tight and there were some days i wished for none. i think i was hoping for him to turn around and say we could do this together. that whatever it was inside of him suppressed would find a way to come out and find he wanted this too. but he couldnt. he bombarded me with reasons we couldnt have this child, saying he never wanted this, he made it sound like a nightmare had come to reality for him. and all the time i started to love my child. i would talk to it and stroke my tummy, with every horrible symptom it made me feel good too, my gut was telling me to keep our baby, that no matter what struggle there would be i would love it and care for it, my tiny miracle. and i could see how incredible he would be, i visioned him holding our baby, telling me thankyou for giving him this gift he didnt know he wanted but loved so much. i thought he was softening at first, he did all the right things, found me food i wanted to eat, looked after me, but all the time there was an agenda that this mustnt happen. and i couldnt take it any more, i decided that i would go it alone if need be, told him he didnt have to live with us, i would have done anything to change his mind.
my family felt the same as him, that it would be a mistake, that i wouldnt cope, that i was a bad mother for considering it, that i had somehow done it on purpose. it was me against the world and i started beliveing that it would be selfish to keep it, i was the only one in the world that loved my baby, but it wasnt enough of a reason. and finally i was given an ultimatum that to be with him i had to abort the baby. he was asking me to love him that much that i would do this, yet he could not show me the same love in return to support me and our child.
so i stepped away from him. it was a step too far to push me. but it was so lonely without him, i missed him so much, my love for him was too strong and i agreed to discuss an abortion. then he was supportive in every way. he came with me, let me cry, held my hand and i went with it.

on a thursday morning i found myself at an abortion clinic. i had hardly slept the night before, i knew i was doing the wrong thing, i was talking to my baby and saying sorry through tears, i was holding my tummy, holding onto my baby, finding a way to say goodbye. the morning of i was trying to find a way to run away, to hide so i didnt have to go, some sort of sign. and we drove there in silence, i was crying, i couldnt look at him. and i sat in the waiting room, feeling hysterical, wanting to bolt for the door, with the man beside me who meant everything to me and terrified i would lose him if i did run. i was curled into the chair, sobbing, and he is stroking my hair, trying to hug me, seeing me in this pain. but not once did he give me a get out clause, not once did he say, dont do it. and the staff saw me in this state and didnt try to question it or ask if i had changed my mind, they all just let it happen. i said goodbye and went upstairs where another girl was sitting and waiting. and somehow i ended up comforting her, saying she would be ok, agreeing to her reasons. the whole time i was eyeing the door to escape, i will never know why i didnt get off my chair and wall through it. I was called and asked to change. i stood there knowing i didnt want to do this, it wasnt too late, i could still save my baby, i could turn and go. but i didnt.
and as i stepped onto the table and laid down, the nurse holding my hand i wanted to scream let me out of here, and then it was too late, i was asleep. i woke up numb to it all, auto pilot, spoke to the staff, followed their directions, came around, no bleeding, pain yes but i knew it would be. and i went back downstairs to meet him.
i remember sitting in the car with him and hearing him say sorry, that i had been pushed into this by everybody, i could see guilt for my pain, genuine concern and love. and i actually tried to make him feel better for it, that it had been my decision, that i hadnt been forced. i couldnt let myself take in an apology, i had to function. for two days he cared for me, for my children, for my house, i felt as close to him then as when we first met, i felt like the most special person in the world to him again, yet it had caused me the darkest deepest pain of my life to acheive it.

i did talk about how i had so badly wanted to run, how he would have reacted if i had changed my mind. and possibly the most painful statement i have ever heard came from his lips "i was waiting for you to change your mind". the fact that i had potentially had a choice all along, that he could have accepted it, that we could have had dealt with it, all the things we could have been if only i had the courage to stand up and walk out that day. but i didnt. i woke for a week praying for a bad dream, willing the power to turn the clock back, not knowing how to deal with the pain of making the biggest mistake of my life, a baby, our baby, the most precious gift that i had killed , that i had loved for every minute she was inside me, that i had named. she was to be called Melody. i just knew it was a girl. Melody for music, music i loved to sing everyday, Melody for my favourite disney princess who had named her daughter Melody, who would have been so beautiful with dark curls and green eyes, with a beautiful laugh that would have made her daddys eyes light up and would have given him the gift of being able to love something more than anything in his life, melody who would have been cherished by her sister and brothers and been adored by everybody she met. she would have had the gift of song and the beauty of an angel.

and i pray everyday for forgiveness from above who gave me the gift i wanted the most in this world and rejected. I pray for the unconditional love of a man with the strength that i show him, i pray that i get another chance to be given an angel one day because i finally know that i would have been strong enough, that things would have found a way and i would have loved her more that earthly possible.